Posts from the ‘The Life’ Category

I’ve tried to write this a few times now. I just don’t like anything I write today. Words are failing me.  I’m sitting in my living room, just the light from a big window and a bottle of water. No music, no sounds, no distractions. It’s just how I like to work  most the time. People comment sometimes when they meet me that I’m quieter than they anticipated. I’m not very gregarious. I’m actually a little bit intense. I prefer to have really deep and heavy conversations with friends than to chat about the weather. I like to listen to music in minor chords. I like being introspective and figuring out my own human condition. But that kind of stuff doesn’t make for a very interesting online personality does it? So I’m sure that I may come off as a bit more outspoken, or goofy, or outgoing here online than I am in real life. I’m working on being more me.

I’ve been a wedding photographer for about 4 years now. I’ve run the gamut of interpretations of weddings in those four years and recently I got burned out with the wedding machine. Weddings are lovely and love is lovely and life is lovely, except sometimes it’s not. And the not is the part I was having trouble with. How can I be my intense, introspective, quiet room, deep-conversation-loving self and still fit into the world of shimmery, sparkly, everything is lovely, big time personality weddings? There was a disconnect. And I got burned out trying to make those two different shaped pegs fit.

So I decided to attend Noa’s workshop. An “artists workshop” it said. Was I an artist? What is an artist? I chose to go because of Noa’s portfolio. It’s completely different. It’s dark. And it resonated with me. In one glance of a gallery you see a bride, a beer, naked breasts, and cigarettes. It’s fantastic. Love it or hate it, you can’t look at her work and not admit that she has a distinct style and voice. And that is what I loved so much about it.

Noa had started out in weddings doing the same thing as everyone else. She was in the wedding machine too. And then she broke out of it. And she was and is still successful being outside the machine. That little bit of information alone sealed the deal in my mind. I had to know how she did it. How she does it.

I don’t usually travel alone. And I’m a big time introvert. So the thought of making my way to California and then to Pacifica and then spending the night in a beach house with a bunch of people I didn’t know was, to say the least, daunting. But when you’re there with people who “get it” on a higher level from the start, it’s easy even for an introvert to connect. My absolute favorite thing about the whole experience was how unafraid everyone was (Noa and my fellow attendees) to take conversations to a deep place right from the start. Be still my heart, I had found my people.

Noa dove in instantly talking about art. Why are we afraid to do it? What does it require? What is it? These are all questions that had and have been swirling in my mind. As an artist, I have so many thing that I want to create and communicate. As a wedding photographer I have so many expectations and standards put on me that I’m expected to work inside of. And there lies the frustration. How can I be an artist and a wedding photographer without being two exclusive pieces?

One of my favorite things that Noa said (other than when she said, “Fuck trends.” with 100% conviction in response to a question) was a quote by famous acting coach, Larry Moss: “We have the terror of being seen by making choices”. I have such an overwhelming desire to be seen. And yet, I’m afraid to show the world who I am in my artwork, my writing, in general. Why is that? It’s still a question I’m wrestling with.

But perhaps my favorite and the biggest quote I can share with you from the 3 days would be, “Fear based decision making kills creativity.” And it’s true. I have lived so much of my life as a slave to fear. And I start but never finish things because of it. I hold back from the things I really want to say, or share, because of it. And I definitely don’t create the art with images that I want to (or if I do, I don’t show people) because I’m afraid it’s too far from the “industry standard” or that they won’t get it or won’t like it. Fear. Always fear.

The workshop also included some special guests: Tim & Nicki Bluhm came and serenaded us. I love music. I used to sing all the time. So to watch them living their musical dreams, how Nicki sings with her whole being, was so much fun. It made me miss music even more than I already did. But in a good way. Anne Sage, who blogs at the City Sage and also is the leading lady of Rue Magazine  spoke on social media and while I consider myself pretty well versed, she even opened my eyes to a some tidbits I’d been missing out on. Thanks Anne! The team from Rue Magazine also showed up and set up a gorgeous shoot for Noa to shoot and for us to take part in. It was styled by the oh-so-talented Erin of Apartment 34. You’ll see some glimpses of it below but you’ll have to wait till later this year to see the full thing in the magazine. It’s gorgeous, you’ll love it. And last but not least, the crazy-amazing Chloe Aftel, who I have admired for YEARS, came with an entire lineup of Polaroid cameras and Impossible film. She helped me solve a problem I’d been having with one of my vintage SX-70′s and now I’m thrilled to be able to use it again. She taught us some secrets to producing amazing polaroids and I’m so beyond words happy about it because I’ve loved the medium for years and just needed the push that she gave to dive back into it. I shot a half a roll on a shoot recently and they are some of my favorite images I’ve EVER taken, digital included. She was the perfect mix of highly technical and otherworldly inspired. I’m so happy to have met her.

So I left the workshop inspired, renewed, and feeling like I had finally been given permission to be who I am, to create art that means something to me, and to work every day on letting go of the fear that holds me captive and that also holds my art captive. I came home happier and more inspired than I’ve felt in about 3 years, excited to shoot, excited to plan personal projects, excited to start down some new roads.

Thank you so much to Noa, who ripped herself open in front of us so that we could all rip ourselves open in return and find the parts of our artist who had been buried deep under years of fear and expectations, and trying to fit in. Thanks to my new friends and fellow attendees who allowed themselves to be genuine, and open, and openminded, and oh-so-supportive of each other. I’ve never been in a group of photographers that was so genuinely kind-spirited, who so generously gave support, who found the beauty in each other so easily. You all made me a better person and I’m working every day to never forget the kind of energy and love that was able to be given and received by our group on the edge of the world and sea.

Here are some photos from my trip. I didn’t shoot much (which surprised me) but what I did shoot makes my heart sing…

What does this mean for Studio222 Photography? Well, it means that I’ll be shooting with a renewed sense of vision. I’m also going to be trying some new things that I hope you all like. But I’m only part of a team here and the overall vision for our business is being refined but not completely overhauled. It’s Becka & Nate around these parts. And we shoot weddings with a progressive and honest storytelling style and we like to have fun which shows in our photos. And where I’m dark and introspective and quiet, Nate is witty, and optimistic, and boisterous. So we make a pretty good pair. But… we will be limiting the new wedding commissions that we take on to only couples and weddings that truly resonate with us, that we feel will give us creative freedom, and that appreciate what we are doing. No longer are we okay with being just someone hired to take pictures. If you hire us, we want it to be because you want us to interpret your wedding day into photographs with our signature style. We are looking for couples that are real, that like to drink wine and beer, that sometimes curse, that are down-to-earth, that don’t want contrived pictures of their wedding day, that want to celebrate and have fun, that are anti-bridezilla, that are planning weddings that are unique or personalized, that are looking for people that will come into their lives and be friends instead of just vendors, and that appreciate really good music, really good food, and really good friends.

What does this mean for me as an artist? Well, it means that I’ve got a few personal projects in the works.It means I’m going to work on being unafraid. It also means that I’ve started shooting with an old medium that I used to love but had slowly forgotten about and had been too afraid to really pursue- polaroid. And a dream and a vision for some creative endeavors that I’ve already started working towards as a solo artist. I’m excited to be able to create and share with zero limitations. Hopefully you like what comes out of it. But if not, that’s okay too. I’m just happy to be creating art that makes me feel something. And to those that feel something too, all the better.

But perhaps the biggest and scariest thing that I’ve learned about myself is not that I’ve been afraid, not that I need more creative projects and freedom. Perhaps the biggest moment for me came when I, sitting on the edge of the world overlooking the sea was able to write down in my journal: I am an artist, who happens to shoot weddings (among other things). And as soon as I wrote it I felt weight lift off of me. The missing piece. I don’t have to try to make the unmatched pieces fit. I had them in the wrong order. Artist first. The things that I happen to take pictures of second. And like that, I found myself again. I can’t wait to see where this leads…

xo.

Our Bubs is quickly rounding out his third month. I feel like he was just born and now we’re just weeks away from Mother’s Day in May. Nate and I keep remarking about how fun he is now. We had a rough adjustment to having an infant in the house but now I think it’s safe to say that the infant is gone and we’ve got a full fledged baby on our hands. He’s trying to stand all day long. He loves to sit up and while he can’t completely do it on his own, he’s starting to be able to balance himself for longer stretches. He fell over in the grass the other day and experienced gravity for the first time in his life… he wasn’t a big fan. He LOVES to be outside and will stare at trees with his eyebrows raised up high. In fact, most of the time that he’s looking at things he’s got his eyebrows raised up high. They have quickly become his defining feature and his visitors are instantly smitten by them. His eyes still have not decided on which color they would like to be. Most of the time they are an olive gray/green but every now and then they’ll start to glow with golden brown flecks. He looks best in the same colors that Nate looks best in: gray, dark blue, faded green, olive. He’s trying to hold his bottle but hasn’t really started to grab for things other than our fingers or his blanket. We can see the white tops of a few tiny teeth making their way through his gums and he never stops chewing on his hands and drooling all over my shoulder. He’s started sleeping through the night and takes multiple naps every day. He’s a fantastic sleeper, he loves to sleep. I think he inherited that trait from us. We’ve heard him laugh and spend our free time trying to make him smile at us. Big cheeked, squinty eyed, and gummy… those smiles are the best. Onward and upward!

I’m back from California, full of vision for the rest of the year. Filled up. I will write more in depth about the experience I had later on, once I feel like I’ve been able to accurately process everything. I’ve spent about 5 hours so far just writing things down, making sense of things that are swirling around in my brain and I still don’t feel like I’ve come close to finishing. But I did want to share this one image and one bit of experience with you all…

One of the things that stuck with me that was spoken about at the workshop I attended was to give up control. This was something that resonated with me and that kept revealing itself to me as both speakers and attendees shared throughout the trip. So much of what I do as an artist has to do with me controlling every aspect of the creation and I realized that as I release pieces of that to the universe or to circumstance or to fate (whatever you want to call it) I see such beautiful things unveil themselves. Art really is more than just talent or equipment. It has such an element of timing and cohesion. All these factors come together for a moment and if we’re lucky we get to keep it in a photograph.

On the Pacific Coast, the morning after the workshop concluded I walked through the fog mesmerized by the expansiveness of this very different ocean from the one that I am used to. I fully understand why the Greeks ascribed so many powerful traits to Poseidon. As the waves built and crashed against black rocks and black sand I felt as if I should bow a bit to it’s majesty.

I took a bunch of photos of pieces of that tiny portion of this world that moved me when I saw them and I very much wanted to document myself there as well. I’m not a huge fan (or a fan at all) of photos of myself and since having a baby and all the things that the experience does to your body, I’ve felt very lost in this new flesh. I look in mirrors and don’t see myself. So I’ve been very nervous about having my photos taken recently.

Taking self portraits by yourself is always a bit tricky. Especially when, like me, you are rarely prepared for the elements you’re encountering. I never carry a tripod with me. I balanced my camera on some rocks, set it, and ran to the spot where I thought I should stand. 10 minutes, and not one acceptable image later I was frustrated. Then I remembered that I needed to give up some of the control over this process. I took my hair down and let the ocean wind air dry it as I set the camera up one last time. I set the timer and allowed myself to let go. And then I looked into my camera as if it was a living entity. I let myself be seen by it. I didn’t pose. I didn’t try. I just was there, in that moment, giving up control to my camera and it’s timer. And then this photograph happened.

This is the first photograph that has been taken in probably over a year that I see myself in. I look at it and see who I am inside my head. The me, that I know because I’m trapped in this body with her but the me that rarely ever shows up in pictures. I wonder if others looking at this image will notice any difference at all. But to me, this is a precious photograph. And I thanked my camera, even kissed it for taking it for me.

Thanks Noa for the inspiration.